a month!!

Yikes.  It’s been nearly a month since I last posted anything.  I have a ton of excuses!  Sis had a baby that I was blessed to see take his first breath.  It was so incredibly beautiful and he is a precious little boy that I can’t wait to hug and kiss on for the rest of his life.

I came home to soccer tournaments and recovery for being gone for five days.  Hubby did a decent job of keeping kids alive and the house in a fair bit of order, but it still needed mama’s touch.  It’s nice to be needed.  It was WONDERFUL to be greeted by such incredibly enthusiastic children when I  returned as well.  Such a blessing to know you were missed, and loved!

We have been so blessed lately.  An unexpected pregnancy, which by the way we have learned is another BOY!!  FIVE in a row!!  We’re honestly, quite excited and SO incredibly blessed!  And our fears of the world being negative and wiping out our enthusiasm and joy have been, for the most part, unfounded.  People are happy for us.  Strangers.  They come up to us often to tell us how beautiful our family is, and how blessed we are. 

They’re right.

 

rest

I am exhausted.  It’s driving me nuts.  I can’t sleep.  I seem to be plagued with the “typical” pregnancy dreams that come so vivid and so real in the middle of the night and are nearly NEVER happy ones.  Every. Single. Night.

I’m trying to pray the St. Michael prayer, I’m trying to implore my guardian angel, trying to storm heaven with pleas to make it stop so I can rest, to no avail.  I despise these dreams.  It’s the same one, or some version of it every time and it always seems to involve someone who is not familiar with our situation (special needs kid etc) who takes it upon themselves to call the “authorities” on us.  As is usually the case when something like that happens, my children are ripped from my arms, all of us pleading and screaming.  I can’t even articulate the rest of it.  My feelings.  As I sit here and type it my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest, and I’m awake. 

Someone make it stop!!! 

I know all of my little ones (and the big ones too) are asleep soundly in their beds, all looking forward to tomorrow when we get to take a peak at little baby number seven nestled safely in my womb.  I wish I could hold the rest of them as safe.  Maybe that’s the problem.  My children are growing up and I just can’t keep them in the folds of my skirt any longer.  I don’t know.  I just want them (the dreams) to stop.  So, I’m up early, waiting for daylight to come and children to wake and have muffins for breakfast and school lessons to learn and baby’s to see.  My day will start and we’ll have fun (despite the rain) and life will be good, except for that little exhausted tugging in my heart that keeps coming back.

I need to let my heart rest in Christ.

Pray for me.

quiet night

Not a lot tonight.  Trying to find a new look for the blog.  Not working out very well. 

I’m also relatively technologically stunted, doesn’t help me much. 

I do have a small bit of good news, this week is SLOW!!!  So excited about that!!  It’s fall break this coming weekend and so all sports things have been canceled (including practices!!  WHOOHOO!!!!).  We’ll have a quiet weekend at home to tend to all of the things needing done.  Bathrooms to finish painting and new light fixtures to hang up.  I’m so happy to be able to get it all done!  I might even go looking for some fabric to sew into curtains for our bedroom, we’ll see.  Like I need another project! 

Peace!

this man.

I am finally into some maternity clothes. Nearing week 18 and still, only now, putting on shirts that have that familiar extention in the front. It’s a difficult thing going from weight loss to weight gain, backward progress it seems.  From smaller clothing to larger.  Backward progress. 

Except it’s not.  It’s leaping forward.  I am doing what I was made to do, what my heart sings about and my soul rejoices in. I am growing a baby, new life.  My womb is full and my heart is happy.

Even when I feel like a cow. 

I had my dear husband pull the old familiar box from the attic, full of maternity clothes.  Pulled some out for Mass last Sunday and got dressed.  I felt ok.  Really.  It’s a comfort to be at a point where you can show the world that you are cooperating in the creation of a new soul.  And still, there was that part of me, that little twinge, that felt a little awkward.  A little too, well,  Fat. 

That’s when my dearest love looked at me and smiled.  Looked at me and wrapped his arms around me and said “I love this part, This part where you get dressed in cute maternity clothes, and you are so obviously pregnant  you don’t even know how incredibly beautiful you are” 

I love this man of mine.  I am thankful for him even when I’m mad at him.  I am so blessed to be given someone so incredible.

Praise Him anyway…

It has been a difficult week this week.  Number four has really had a hard week, making my week miserable.  He’s acting out quite a bit now, nothing is met with with anything but aggravation and yelling.  It’s wearing on my nerves, and the rest of the family’s. 

I know he’s just not “regulated” but it’s getting difficult to go about our day to day stuff.  Our day is pock marked by screams and growls and yelling that is just so hard to get used to.  He’s also not doing any school.  At all.  He will work on a page or two of math here and there, but his penmanship is horrid and I can’t get him to work on it for any length of time (read 3 minutes here).  He does read, quite well, so that is fine.  I’d like to work more on science, but it’s just too much for him to concentrate on. 

We’ve been to OT for so long and then this summer something happened at his OT and they couldn’t keep their schedule straight and were changing on us, every time, with little more than an hours notice.  Needless to say that we missed all summer.  They were supposed to call with the social group schedule for the school year, but never did.  We’ve been without OT since June.  You can tell.  I’ve even called, only to be told they’ll call me back.  I’m near tears over that one.

And, in the midst of all of this and my hormonal pregnant self I am reminded, nearly constantly at this point, to offer praise to God for all of our blessings.  It’s so hard to do, so hard to offer praise when all I want to do is sit down and cry, throwing my hands in the air and saying “I QUIT!”.  Just when I think I can’t do it, I can’t homeschool these kids, this child, I can’t parent this child, I can’t this, I can’t that, I am reminded that I’m right. Ican’t.  But for the grace of God.  You see, it’s not about me.  It’s about doing everything for His glory.  It’s about raising my son to praise God despite his limitations and frustrations.  It’s about ME praising God for all He has blessed me with, all of these children, this wonderful calling to homeschool, everything.  The very breath I breathe is reason to give praise. 

I used to have a set of Precious Moments stickers.  One of them had a cute little girl whose ice cream had fallen off of her cone.  She was looking up and the caption was “Praise God ANYWAY” 

So, His praises I will sing, for all He has blessed me with, for everything that is in me I give praise!

I love being pregnant!

Well I have reached a point in pregnancy I dread, not for any real reason, I just don’t like it.

I have to start testing my blood glucose now.  I’m dragging my feet.  It’s no fun being a human pincushion but it must be done, track must be kept.  I went tonight, because I forgot to turn in the script earlier, to pick up my prescription for the monitor test strips.  Get them home, knowing it’s too far past a meal to get anything meaningful but hopeful that what I do get isn’t scary (not that expected it to be, just reassurance I guess?).  I pull out my meter, turn it on, and wouldn’t you know it, the dang battery is dead.  Seriously.  Dead.  It’s not like it takes a AA and I have thirty of those on hand (seriously, does EVERY childhood toy have to take AA batteries???), nope it’s a large, round something or other that is going to take a special trip to the store I just got back from!!!!  Ergh.

Needless to say, no testing tonight. 

Some things can just wait for morning.

heart ache

My heart has been hurting. 

We have no “home”, no place where we are a community right now.  There are things that happen, choices that are made, that make places uninhabitable.  You have no choice but to pack up and leave.  You don’t want to, it hurts, nearly physically, and causes such sadness and stress that bellies ache and heads hurt.  Yet.  Still.  There is no choice that can be made but to walk away.  Uproot that which has taken root, look around one last time and say goodbye.  You know, somehow, by the grace that is only His to give, that you will find new ground, better, for your family to take root.  You also know the work that is involved in planting something new, the preparation, fertilizing, weeding, daily care, that it takes to help roots form. 

There have been prayers said.  Countless prayers said.  By both dh and I, and more than likely our children.  It’s been weighing heavily for a long time on our hearts.  That quiet voice calling us to a different place, somewhere to worship without scandal.  It’s been softly calling for a while, and has now become so insistent, so persistent, that it can no longer be ignored.  We hear His voice, we know we are being called away from where we are, and yet, we can’t figure out just where we’re being called to.  Maybe because the protesting is too loud?  The dread and the fear of newness and work have completely overcome the gentle guiding hand of our Father.  We have to listen so we can hear.  We have to accept that which He instructs us to do.   It’s never, ever easy though, changing.  Ever.

We’ve been helped along by our loving Father, He’s been so kind in His direction, providing opportunities for us to not have to make a decision right now, places to worship elsewhere as our schedule calls us all over the state.  I don’t know if He’s filling our tanks for a journey that will be both long and hard (a desert?  I think so.) or just giving our souls a rest, could be both. 

I want to go “home” back to where we were before we moved to this part of the state.  Back to a church family that is so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life and will likely not have the pleasure of again.  My desire is to move backward which is never what He wants for His children, I can see that, but it doesn’t stop my heart from longing for the safety of a familiar “family”, a place where we are welcome and comfortable.  Where the walls hug us as we walk in.  Thankfully, so, incredibly, eternally thankfully we were able to go back there this weekend.  Our tanks are overflowing with beautiful.  The Mass was what we know and expect to be good.  We came away challenged and loved, called to a deeper faith and understanding.  The people, our family, was just as family ought, joyful, warm, loving.  I miss them so much.  I miss it all so much I felt like I was desperately trying to grab onto trees or houses as we drove out of  town and back to the home we’re at now.  I wanted to stay, to be comforted and encouraged.  To rest from the work that comes with replanting.  I wanted to stay to rest from the battles that wage here, spiritually, emotionally. 

God wants me, us, here.  He is calling us here.  He knows there is work to be done.  He knows how heavily we must rely on Him, I could almost assume that is why this is where we’re called to be right now.  We have to make right in our family the focus that  has drifted away from what it should be, we have to learn to rely on Him.

I am a reluctant learner.

But I will obey.  And my heart will be happy, even in its aching, for doing so.

waiting

With the promise of new life our family (who was already feeling quite cramped in this house) is ready to move on to something larger.  A lot larger if we can find it.  Our yard is tiny, maybe 20 feet deep.  Not really condusive to a large family full of little boys.  I want them to have space to wander and explore and experiment and dig and play and enjoy, they can’t do that in our teeny yard without affecting the resale value of the house.  I hate that that’s the first thing I think about when they go outside to play! 

We want a larger house, five bedroom, two living, two dining (perfect set up to have a playroom and a school room) and at least five acres.  Not that I think my dh would do a great job of maintaining that much property but we need to be able to spread out!  I’ve talked to a realtor and he’s not confident we could sell our current home with all of us living in it.  I’m not either but I don’t know that we have a choice in the matter, we kinda need our equity for a down payment! 

The real problem we’re having right now is timing.  We really can’t sell this house until February.  I’m due in March.  I’m really stressing about this!  Funny thing though, there aren’t any houses on the market right now that are what we need or want.  I could compromise on the space/land issue, but I don’t think I’d be happy and to top it off most of the houses the size I need in the city, in a neighborhood, have inground pools that take up what yard they had.  I have too many toddlers to go that route. 

SO, I am guessing God is telling me to hold my horses and let him work out the timing.  He knows what we need, both financially and physically.  He knows what we want.  I just have to trust that he knows and be willing to follow him.  Even if it means waiting until we’re painfully close to the delivery of our new precious little one.   I want to say that it’s killing me, this whole waiting on God thing, but it’s not.  It’s uncomfortable, but just like childbirth the discomfort is temporary and (at least in this instance) not life threatening.   So I wait.  As patiently as I’m able, I wait.  I pray for the grace to trust and wait with a happy and thankful heart full of peace knowing that He has total control and is making everything fall into place exactly as it should. 

I wait

I pray.

school!

The call of a new school year and the craziness of a schedule packed with things for our “unsocialized” children to do have kept me away from this blog longer than I would have liked.  I’ve had so many things running through my head that I’d like to blog about but they go away as quickly as they come, a sad side affect of many children and a new pregnancy.  (Can I still say it’s new?  I’m what, 14 weeks now, that’s new-ish isn’t it?)  Happily the morning sickness has subsided and I’m not uncomfortably huge.  It is a bit disconcerting to see my belly grow when I was working so hard not that long ago to make it shrink.  I’m keeping up with my exercises as much as I can fit them into the new school schedule so all is not lost.

The kids, ready for a new year, even excited about it, have settled into the routine (did I just say that?  Us, have a routine?  That’s laughable really.) of school (the expectation that work will be done, there that sounds a bit better doesn’t it?) and it’s no longer a new and exciting thing, but work.  Which makes it now work for me as well.  Most days it’s happy work, but there are those days that it’s drudgery.  I’ve already at least once given in and just put the two littlest guys (3 and 18 mos) in what we fondly dubbed “baby jail” and turned on the TV.  It was educational TV so that counts, right?  It was just one show!  I forgot how much destruction toddlers can wreck on a house in such a short time.

The girls have settled into their co-op and are loving the classes there.  They are both doing homeschool band as well (oldest is playing bass clarinet, and #2 is playing clarinet) and doing quite well no less.  Pretty impressed, though not surprised, by thier apparent knack for musical instruments.  I can’t wait to get the boys started, one by one.  Little nervous about what instrument they’ll choose, but I can take it. 

I’m going to make it a priority to blog here in the evening when I could be watching the news (really, nothing good on anymore.  Just don’t have the energy for anything but the weather!)

Novena Day Three

It’s a bit late today, sorry about that. 

Third Day
St. John Vianney, Adorer of the Blessed Sacrament
O holy Priest of Ars, you had such an overwhelming love for Christ in the Blessed Sacrament that you prayed for hours in His presence. You said that “when our Lord sees them coming eagerly to visit Him in the Blessed Sacrament, He smiles upon them. They come with that simplicity which pleases Him so much.” O Saint of the Eucharist, may your example enkindle in Father ____________ a deeper love for Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. By your prayers, never let him doubt Christ’s Real Presence, but obtain for him a firm faith rooted in the Eucharist. Help him not to be afraid to defend or preach Christ’s Real Presence in the Blessed Sacrament. Obtain for him the grace to approach our Lord with simplicity of heart as he lays his soul’s innermost thoughts before Jesus’ Sacred Heart. Keep Father ___________________ under your continual protection, that he may be supported by your example and assistance and be faithfully devoted to Christ in the Blessed Sacrament. May his life reflect the belief of our Lord’s abiding presence with us. O St. John Vianney, by the power of your intercession, give us Priests devoted to the holy Sacrament of the Altar. Recite the Novena Prayer. 

Novena Prayer
O holy Priest of Ars, St. John Marie Vianney, you loved God and served Him faithfully as His Priest. Now you see God face to face in heaven. You never despaired but persevered in your faith until you died. Remember now the dangers, fears and anxieties that surround Father ___________________ and intercede for him in all his needs and troubles especially console him in his most difficult moments, grant him serenity in the midst of crisis, and protect him from evil. O St. John Vianney, I have confidence in your intercession. Pray for Father ____________________ in a special way during this novena. 

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be