rest

I am exhausted.  It’s driving me nuts.  I can’t sleep.  I seem to be plagued with the “typical” pregnancy dreams that come so vivid and so real in the middle of the night and are nearly NEVER happy ones.  Every. Single. Night.

I’m trying to pray the St. Michael prayer, I’m trying to implore my guardian angel, trying to storm heaven with pleas to make it stop so I can rest, to no avail.  I despise these dreams.  It’s the same one, or some version of it every time and it always seems to involve someone who is not familiar with our situation (special needs kid etc) who takes it upon themselves to call the “authorities” on us.  As is usually the case when something like that happens, my children are ripped from my arms, all of us pleading and screaming.  I can’t even articulate the rest of it.  My feelings.  As I sit here and type it my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest, and I’m awake. 

Someone make it stop!!! 

I know all of my little ones (and the big ones too) are asleep soundly in their beds, all looking forward to tomorrow when we get to take a peak at little baby number seven nestled safely in my womb.  I wish I could hold the rest of them as safe.  Maybe that’s the problem.  My children are growing up and I just can’t keep them in the folds of my skirt any longer.  I don’t know.  I just want them (the dreams) to stop.  So, I’m up early, waiting for daylight to come and children to wake and have muffins for breakfast and school lessons to learn and baby’s to see.  My day will start and we’ll have fun (despite the rain) and life will be good, except for that little exhausted tugging in my heart that keeps coming back.

I need to let my heart rest in Christ.

Pray for me.

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quiet night

Not a lot tonight.  Trying to find a new look for the blog.  Not working out very well. 

I’m also relatively technologically stunted, doesn’t help me much. 

I do have a small bit of good news, this week is SLOW!!!  So excited about that!!  It’s fall break this coming weekend and so all sports things have been canceled (including practices!!  WHOOHOO!!!!).  We’ll have a quiet weekend at home to tend to all of the things needing done.  Bathrooms to finish painting and new light fixtures to hang up.  I’m so happy to be able to get it all done!  I might even go looking for some fabric to sew into curtains for our bedroom, we’ll see.  Like I need another project! 

Peace!

this man.

I am finally into some maternity clothes. Nearing week 18 and still, only now, putting on shirts that have that familiar extention in the front. It’s a difficult thing going from weight loss to weight gain, backward progress it seems.  From smaller clothing to larger.  Backward progress. 

Except it’s not.  It’s leaping forward.  I am doing what I was made to do, what my heart sings about and my soul rejoices in. I am growing a baby, new life.  My womb is full and my heart is happy.

Even when I feel like a cow. 

I had my dear husband pull the old familiar box from the attic, full of maternity clothes.  Pulled some out for Mass last Sunday and got dressed.  I felt ok.  Really.  It’s a comfort to be at a point where you can show the world that you are cooperating in the creation of a new soul.  And still, there was that part of me, that little twinge, that felt a little awkward.  A little too, well,  Fat. 

That’s when my dearest love looked at me and smiled.  Looked at me and wrapped his arms around me and said “I love this part, This part where you get dressed in cute maternity clothes, and you are so obviously pregnant  you don’t even know how incredibly beautiful you are” 

I love this man of mine.  I am thankful for him even when I’m mad at him.  I am so blessed to be given someone so incredible.

Praise Him anyway…

It has been a difficult week this week.  Number four has really had a hard week, making my week miserable.  He’s acting out quite a bit now, nothing is met with with anything but aggravation and yelling.  It’s wearing on my nerves, and the rest of the family’s. 

I know he’s just not “regulated” but it’s getting difficult to go about our day to day stuff.  Our day is pock marked by screams and growls and yelling that is just so hard to get used to.  He’s also not doing any school.  At all.  He will work on a page or two of math here and there, but his penmanship is horrid and I can’t get him to work on it for any length of time (read 3 minutes here).  He does read, quite well, so that is fine.  I’d like to work more on science, but it’s just too much for him to concentrate on. 

We’ve been to OT for so long and then this summer something happened at his OT and they couldn’t keep their schedule straight and were changing on us, every time, with little more than an hours notice.  Needless to say that we missed all summer.  They were supposed to call with the social group schedule for the school year, but never did.  We’ve been without OT since June.  You can tell.  I’ve even called, only to be told they’ll call me back.  I’m near tears over that one.

And, in the midst of all of this and my hormonal pregnant self I am reminded, nearly constantly at this point, to offer praise to God for all of our blessings.  It’s so hard to do, so hard to offer praise when all I want to do is sit down and cry, throwing my hands in the air and saying “I QUIT!”.  Just when I think I can’t do it, I can’t homeschool these kids, this child, I can’t parent this child, I can’t this, I can’t that, I am reminded that I’m right. Ican’t.  But for the grace of God.  You see, it’s not about me.  It’s about doing everything for His glory.  It’s about raising my son to praise God despite his limitations and frustrations.  It’s about ME praising God for all He has blessed me with, all of these children, this wonderful calling to homeschool, everything.  The very breath I breathe is reason to give praise. 

I used to have a set of Precious Moments stickers.  One of them had a cute little girl whose ice cream had fallen off of her cone.  She was looking up and the caption was “Praise God ANYWAY” 

So, His praises I will sing, for all He has blessed me with, for everything that is in me I give praise!