I love being pregnant!

Well I have reached a point in pregnancy I dread, not for any real reason, I just don’t like it.

I have to start testing my blood glucose now.  I’m dragging my feet.  It’s no fun being a human pincushion but it must be done, track must be kept.  I went tonight, because I forgot to turn in the script earlier, to pick up my prescription for the monitor test strips.  Get them home, knowing it’s too far past a meal to get anything meaningful but hopeful that what I do get isn’t scary (not that expected it to be, just reassurance I guess?).  I pull out my meter, turn it on, and wouldn’t you know it, the dang battery is dead.  Seriously.  Dead.  It’s not like it takes a AA and I have thirty of those on hand (seriously, does EVERY childhood toy have to take AA batteries???), nope it’s a large, round something or other that is going to take a special trip to the store I just got back from!!!!  Ergh.

Needless to say, no testing tonight. 

Some things can just wait for morning.

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heart ache

My heart has been hurting. 

We have no “home”, no place where we are a community right now.  There are things that happen, choices that are made, that make places uninhabitable.  You have no choice but to pack up and leave.  You don’t want to, it hurts, nearly physically, and causes such sadness and stress that bellies ache and heads hurt.  Yet.  Still.  There is no choice that can be made but to walk away.  Uproot that which has taken root, look around one last time and say goodbye.  You know, somehow, by the grace that is only His to give, that you will find new ground, better, for your family to take root.  You also know the work that is involved in planting something new, the preparation, fertilizing, weeding, daily care, that it takes to help roots form. 

There have been prayers said.  Countless prayers said.  By both dh and I, and more than likely our children.  It’s been weighing heavily for a long time on our hearts.  That quiet voice calling us to a different place, somewhere to worship without scandal.  It’s been softly calling for a while, and has now become so insistent, so persistent, that it can no longer be ignored.  We hear His voice, we know we are being called away from where we are, and yet, we can’t figure out just where we’re being called to.  Maybe because the protesting is too loud?  The dread and the fear of newness and work have completely overcome the gentle guiding hand of our Father.  We have to listen so we can hear.  We have to accept that which He instructs us to do.   It’s never, ever easy though, changing.  Ever.

We’ve been helped along by our loving Father, He’s been so kind in His direction, providing opportunities for us to not have to make a decision right now, places to worship elsewhere as our schedule calls us all over the state.  I don’t know if He’s filling our tanks for a journey that will be both long and hard (a desert?  I think so.) or just giving our souls a rest, could be both. 

I want to go “home” back to where we were before we moved to this part of the state.  Back to a church family that is so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life and will likely not have the pleasure of again.  My desire is to move backward which is never what He wants for His children, I can see that, but it doesn’t stop my heart from longing for the safety of a familiar “family”, a place where we are welcome and comfortable.  Where the walls hug us as we walk in.  Thankfully, so, incredibly, eternally thankfully we were able to go back there this weekend.  Our tanks are overflowing with beautiful.  The Mass was what we know and expect to be good.  We came away challenged and loved, called to a deeper faith and understanding.  The people, our family, was just as family ought, joyful, warm, loving.  I miss them so much.  I miss it all so much I felt like I was desperately trying to grab onto trees or houses as we drove out of  town and back to the home we’re at now.  I wanted to stay, to be comforted and encouraged.  To rest from the work that comes with replanting.  I wanted to stay to rest from the battles that wage here, spiritually, emotionally. 

God wants me, us, here.  He is calling us here.  He knows there is work to be done.  He knows how heavily we must rely on Him, I could almost assume that is why this is where we’re called to be right now.  We have to make right in our family the focus that  has drifted away from what it should be, we have to learn to rely on Him.

I am a reluctant learner.

But I will obey.  And my heart will be happy, even in its aching, for doing so.

waiting

With the promise of new life our family (who was already feeling quite cramped in this house) is ready to move on to something larger.  A lot larger if we can find it.  Our yard is tiny, maybe 20 feet deep.  Not really condusive to a large family full of little boys.  I want them to have space to wander and explore and experiment and dig and play and enjoy, they can’t do that in our teeny yard without affecting the resale value of the house.  I hate that that’s the first thing I think about when they go outside to play! 

We want a larger house, five bedroom, two living, two dining (perfect set up to have a playroom and a school room) and at least five acres.  Not that I think my dh would do a great job of maintaining that much property but we need to be able to spread out!  I’ve talked to a realtor and he’s not confident we could sell our current home with all of us living in it.  I’m not either but I don’t know that we have a choice in the matter, we kinda need our equity for a down payment! 

The real problem we’re having right now is timing.  We really can’t sell this house until February.  I’m due in March.  I’m really stressing about this!  Funny thing though, there aren’t any houses on the market right now that are what we need or want.  I could compromise on the space/land issue, but I don’t think I’d be happy and to top it off most of the houses the size I need in the city, in a neighborhood, have inground pools that take up what yard they had.  I have too many toddlers to go that route. 

SO, I am guessing God is telling me to hold my horses and let him work out the timing.  He knows what we need, both financially and physically.  He knows what we want.  I just have to trust that he knows and be willing to follow him.  Even if it means waiting until we’re painfully close to the delivery of our new precious little one.   I want to say that it’s killing me, this whole waiting on God thing, but it’s not.  It’s uncomfortable, but just like childbirth the discomfort is temporary and (at least in this instance) not life threatening.   So I wait.  As patiently as I’m able, I wait.  I pray for the grace to trust and wait with a happy and thankful heart full of peace knowing that He has total control and is making everything fall into place exactly as it should. 

I wait

I pray.

school!

The call of a new school year and the craziness of a schedule packed with things for our “unsocialized” children to do have kept me away from this blog longer than I would have liked.  I’ve had so many things running through my head that I’d like to blog about but they go away as quickly as they come, a sad side affect of many children and a new pregnancy.  (Can I still say it’s new?  I’m what, 14 weeks now, that’s new-ish isn’t it?)  Happily the morning sickness has subsided and I’m not uncomfortably huge.  It is a bit disconcerting to see my belly grow when I was working so hard not that long ago to make it shrink.  I’m keeping up with my exercises as much as I can fit them into the new school schedule so all is not lost.

The kids, ready for a new year, even excited about it, have settled into the routine (did I just say that?  Us, have a routine?  That’s laughable really.) of school (the expectation that work will be done, there that sounds a bit better doesn’t it?) and it’s no longer a new and exciting thing, but work.  Which makes it now work for me as well.  Most days it’s happy work, but there are those days that it’s drudgery.  I’ve already at least once given in and just put the two littlest guys (3 and 18 mos) in what we fondly dubbed “baby jail” and turned on the TV.  It was educational TV so that counts, right?  It was just one show!  I forgot how much destruction toddlers can wreck on a house in such a short time.

The girls have settled into their co-op and are loving the classes there.  They are both doing homeschool band as well (oldest is playing bass clarinet, and #2 is playing clarinet) and doing quite well no less.  Pretty impressed, though not surprised, by thier apparent knack for musical instruments.  I can’t wait to get the boys started, one by one.  Little nervous about what instrument they’ll choose, but I can take it. 

I’m going to make it a priority to blog here in the evening when I could be watching the news (really, nothing good on anymore.  Just don’t have the energy for anything but the weather!)