My heart has been hurting.
We have no “home”, no place where we are a community right now. There are things that happen, choices that are made, that make places uninhabitable. You have no choice but to pack up and leave. You don’t want to, it hurts, nearly physically, and causes such sadness and stress that bellies ache and heads hurt. Yet. Still. There is no choice that can be made but to walk away. Uproot that which has taken root, look around one last time and say goodbye. You know, somehow, by the grace that is only His to give, that you will find new ground, better, for your family to take root. You also know the work that is involved in planting something new, the preparation, fertilizing, weeding, daily care, that it takes to help roots form.
There have been prayers said. Countless prayers said. By both dh and I, and more than likely our children. It’s been weighing heavily for a long time on our hearts. That quiet voice calling us to a different place, somewhere to worship without scandal. It’s been softly calling for a while, and has now become so insistent, so persistent, that it can no longer be ignored. We hear His voice, we know we are being called away from where we are, and yet, we can’t figure out just where we’re being called to. Maybe because the protesting is too loud? The dread and the fear of newness and work have completely overcome the gentle guiding hand of our Father. We have to listen so we can hear. We have to accept that which He instructs us to do. It’s never, ever easy though, changing. Ever.
We’ve been helped along by our loving Father, He’s been so kind in His direction, providing opportunities for us to not have to make a decision right now, places to worship elsewhere as our schedule calls us all over the state. I don’t know if He’s filling our tanks for a journey that will be both long and hard (a desert? I think so.) or just giving our souls a rest, could be both.
I want to go “home” back to where we were before we moved to this part of the state. Back to a church family that is so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life and will likely not have the pleasure of again. My desire is to move backward which is never what He wants for His children, I can see that, but it doesn’t stop my heart from longing for the safety of a familiar “family”, a place where we are welcome and comfortable. Where the walls hug us as we walk in. Thankfully, so, incredibly, eternally thankfully we were able to go back there this weekend. Our tanks are overflowing with beautiful. The Mass was what we know and expect to be good. We came away challenged and loved, called to a deeper faith and understanding. The people, our family, was just as family ought, joyful, warm, loving. I miss them so much. I miss it all so much I felt like I was desperately trying to grab onto trees or houses as we drove out of town and back to the home we’re at now. I wanted to stay, to be comforted and encouraged. To rest from the work that comes with replanting. I wanted to stay to rest from the battles that wage here, spiritually, emotionally.
God wants me, us, here. He is calling us here. He knows there is work to be done. He knows how heavily we must rely on Him, I could almost assume that is why this is where we’re called to be right now. We have to make right in our family the focus that has drifted away from what it should be, we have to learn to rely on Him.
I am a reluctant learner.
But I will obey. And my heart will be happy, even in its aching, for doing so.