Having one of those days.
It’s a rainy Monday here, which isn’t altogether bad as we’ve not had rain in quite a while and the ground is crazy thirsty. It just added to the ambiance of the day. There’s a country song and the refrain is “Tomorrow’s another day, and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain”. Totally feeling it today. Wish I weren’t but there it is.
I had been planning, all year, to have Thanksgiving dinner here, at our new home. Been looking forward to it for quite a while. Menu has been tweaked and re-tweaked more times than I can count. Several trips to the local Hobby Lobby to get more decorations because the ones we had just weren’t sufficient for a houseful of guests. Lots of prep. Was going to go shopping for everything but produce this week. Lots of plans.
But, as often happens, life has gotten in the way. My hubs grandma, his last remaining grandparent, seems to have had some troubles these last few months. She’s been in a lot of pain. A few trips to the doc revealed that she has cancer, or at least what they believe to be so. It’s in her colon. It’s nearly blocking it completely. Something has to be done. She is in a lot of pain. We don’t know where else it is. We don’t know where it originated. All we know is she’s hurting and something has to be done. This strong pillar of the family is starting to crumble, just months after we buried her husband of 60 years.
It’s so hard to know what to say or do right now. Doc wants to operate, remove the diseased part of her colon and hope for the best. It’s in her best interest to do so, it would certainly ease the pain at the absolute very least.
But we’re scared. Grandpa went into surgery to remove a diseased, cancer ridden, body part and never, ever came home. He just didn’t have enough left to fight his way back from surgery and he died.
I know at some point we’re going to have to say goodbye to grandma, but the reality that it could be coming up sooner rather than later is a bit un-nerving.
The doc has scheduled the surgery for November 24. The day before Thanksgiving.
I’m angry. At the doc for doing it right before the holiday, when it’s likely he won’t even be reachable if there is a problem, and completely changing the (possibly last) Thanksgiving holiday we have with her. Then I get mad at myself because we weren’t exactly planning on spending it with her and I’m just being selfish that I can’t do what I wanted to instead. There is a little bit of anger here at God as well. That this is the kink He thought would be good to throw into my plans really isnt’ something I find amusing. Then I start to realize that all of my selfish anger is born out of fear. I am afraid (once again, selfishly) that we are going to lose grandma just like we lost grandpa. I am afraid that we are going to have yet another funeral to attend this year and that my dh’s heart won’t be able to take it. I am afraid of what tomorrow may bring.
Then I remember that song. Tomorrow’s another day, and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain.
God is calling us home for Thanksgiving. Possibly the last we’ll get to spend with Grandma. I can’t waste anymore of my time being angry and afraid. I need to be thankful. Thankful that my heavenly Father knew what was best and knew how to make sure that we listened. Thankful that we are given the clear and obvious opportunity to spend one more Thanksgiving with a woman we love and admire and can’t imagine life without. His divine plan is always better. Always best. Always.