gone

My beautiful oldest daughter is gone. 

Well, sort of.

Until Friday.

She’s at Scout camp this week, surely having a ball, making tons of new friends and doing cool things that she’ll want to somehow continue once she gets home. 

I knew I’d miss her.  Her sweet voice and cheerful countenance.  Her incredible willingness to jump in and help, even if she’s in the middle of something.

I just didn’t know it would be this much.  It feels like the whole family is out of sync.  I knew that I depended on her, too much sometimes, but I just didn’t realize HOW much until she’s not here.  And not just for the obvious “could you watch the younger ones while I run to the store” dependence, but the “hey, what would you like for dinner?” or “the boys are really driving me crazy right now”  kind of dependence.  I had this daughter of mine when I was just a girl myself and as she’s grown into the beautiful young woman she is I find myself thinking of her more and more as a friend.  We nearly grew up together, she and I, and I’ve not been a perfect mother.  I’ve apologized to her before about having to have been the first born.  I also thanked her for taking the role on with such grace.

In a few weeks my daughter #2 will be gone for a week at camp too.  I know I’ll miss her terribly.  I just don’t think I was ready for these children to grow up.  I know it’s happening, I’ve known that all along.  However, more and more I’m finding myself saying “but, but, wait… you can’t have already grown so much.  I wanted to do this and this and this with you.  I wanted to sew and sing and play and dance and dress up and play dolls and.. and… and…. and…..” I’m not ready for this.  Not ready for my little girls to be going off to camp.  Not ready for them to be in high school. 

Who said they could grow up?  Who gave time permission to take my babies and turn them into young ladies before I was ready?  When did this happen? 

I think it’s time to start taking some “girl time” just the three of us.  Before they grow up past wanting to be with me.  Time to snuggle and watch a musical (King and I anyone?) Maybe plan a manicure day or lunch out with just us.  I don’t know.  But my soul is urging me to take hold to something, anything, before they’ve grown completely and I feel as if I’ve missed it all, even while I was watching.

I’ve been so incredibly blessed with my girls.  I praise God everyday for allowing me to be their mom. 

It’s time I let them know that more often as well.

Before they’ve gone.