no more

I am worn out, but in a good way!  I started with a personal trainer a two weeks ago.  It’s been an amazing experience already.  I’m still not eating exactly what I should and I often forget to enter it into my log book, but I am so much  more conscious of what’s going in! 

The workouts have been intense, but I trust her to know what my body can take and to push me to that point and make me want to push even further.  Funny thing is, the more I am pushed the stronger I realize I am.  Not that I thought I was weak really, but I think I lost the confidence I had in myself.  She’s really making me realize what I am capable of and I am loving it!! 

I don’t know for sure what the breaking point was for me, the “a ha” moment.  I’ve been fat and had kids (not a pleasant experience I’ll have you know) so I’m not sure that was a motivating factor.  I’ve been painfully out of shape and just accepted that I would be the “fat friend”.    I would listen to my friends talk about other fat people and just quietly nod, all the while screaming inside that being fat doesn’t make anyone a bad mom, a crappy wife, a stupid person, or anything else.  Listening to excuses for bad behavior listed as ”well, they probably just don’t like fat people” hurt more than I can express, even when I wasn’t in the subject line.  Sometimes you sit and endure someone yipping about how easy it is to loose weight, just eat less.  It’s that simple.  Exercise.  No big deal.  Come on, you’re just lazy.  Always you know, even in friendly circumstances, that you are being judged by your weight.  Your children are being judged. 

I don’t know what finally broke. 

I don’t know what made me decide enough is enough.  I have too terrified of the gym, not knowing what to expect or what to do, to just jump in with both feet on that count (but hey, just exercise, right??)  I know there are countless diets out there, I could have just done one, but I did.  Repeatedly.  Life is not quiet and the diet would always crumble.  I would sit in tears every Tuesday night, watching Biggest Loser.  I would weep in understanding about where they are and how they got there.  Then, as the show progressed, I would weep in jealous agony over the fact that they were able to get help and overcome what is such a paralyzing situation.  

Finally the tears have turned.  I am no longer jealous.  I am working with someone who wants me to be healthy as much as I do and who is not making it so simple that I feel the fool for not “getting” it before now.  

I am tired.  I am sore.  I am even a small bit hungry.  BUT oh does it feel good.  My muscles are moving in ways they haven’t moved for years.  I am sleeping better than I have in forever.  I am still struggling.  I didn’t get fat because I understood portion control.   It’s hard for me to get to work out.  It’s very difficult to get the whole calorie thing, so many things that seem so little add up so quickly, but I’m learning and getting better.  Every day is better.  My appetite is changing.  I am changing.

I will not be the fat friend anymore.